My name is Bitch McTurtle.

Top tier five star general,
number one,
Confederate street soldier.
& 100% pedo protector
I've spent decades standing in the way of anything that might accidentally make your life easier. Progress? Not on my watch. Health care? Fuck you! That sounds expensive... for billionaires. Living wages? Have you considered simply being born wealthier? Or dying, maybe?

I don't know why it's taking you so long to understand that im most definitely a Russian asset, & definitely hate you. Shit, we hate you. All of you.

Every time America tries to move forward, I'm there. There has to be a worse way of doing this... so I proceed to shit on the process.

I'm still alive because of pure spite. It's the only reason why I'm still alive. My greatest superpower is turning "no" into a legislative philosophy.

If you're poor, struggling, drowning in medical debt, or wondering why Congress never seems to fix anything... congratulations. I hate you.

I'll happily enjoy taxpayer-funded health care while explaining why you don't deserve any.

The Founding Fathers didn't know what they were talking about. Fuckin' hippies.

History will remember one man who could spend decades making "nothing happens" into a full-time career.

The South shall rise again. Yeehaw.